I was going to end it now. It was time to start the end. I turned off the tap, the bathtub overflowing with hot steaming water. I could barely see my reflection in the mirror fixed to the wall as I turned back to lock the door. I dropped my towel on the floor ready to be immersed in the waters. Shaking with tears falling down my eyes, I think I am scared but I know there isn’t any going back now. This is my gift to them, my first and last gift.
I went in slowly, one leg at a time, it wasn’t as hot as I expected but it was still scalding. I was in completely, plunged into it, the waters reaching my neck as I relaxed my back on the tub. I was going to wait for a while, relax in the silence and float for a minute in my memories. I remembered everything that pushed me into this moment. I remembered the bills stack higher and higher, I remembered my father having to take on extra hours at work and then barely seeing him at all. I remembered Akin my brother, hating me for a while because he didn’t understand what the whole fuss about me was about, I remember him realising and then hating himself for it. I remember my mum crying that’s all I remember of her, her crying and her praying to God to forgive her and stop punishing her. I remember my pain, the surgeries, the trips, the consultants, the pastors, the doctors and their endless needles. I remember feeling like poison.
I reached into the tub and searched for the knife I threw in it earlier. It was time. With my left hand I carried the knife and slowly started cutting my right wrist. I plan on cutting both wrists but this is taking a lot out of me but I wasn’t going to stop. I ended it as fast as possible with a swift movement, my left hand shaking and my right hand in the tub turning the water into bloody wine. I closed my eyes for 5 seconds I think and when I opened it she was there.
She is so beautiful, she has the darkest skin I have ever seen, imagine a crude oil goddess, a thousand braids fell from her head each one of them floating in the air, with gold dust like particles all over her and her eyes where just like diamonds and it sparkled like the stars in the night. She sat opposite me with the waters at her neck too. I asked her “Am I dead or am I dreaming?” and she smiled and I felt my heart beat faster. She said “No not yet Dayo. I came to take you away, I came because you called”. I am sure I am losing it. This is some sort of hallucination. “No it isn’t,” she said. She could hear my thoughts. ‘What are you?” I asked her. She moved forward to me, her hands touching my face and she said, “I am your angel. And I came to take you away like you asked’. Her hands were so soft; she felt like peace, she felt like resolution. “How did I ask, tell me what you mean”
“You asked when you decided to die Dayo. But I wont let you die like this”
“Is this real or is it happening in my head”
“It’s happening in your head I guess, but that doesn’t mean it not be real”
“Where will you take me too?”
“I will take you far away, to the in-betweens of heaven and hell. A place where you will wait with me until the final day. But first I have to judge your love.”
“How will you do that, judge my love?”
“By asking you one question. Why are you doing this?” she asked string dead into my eyes.”
‘For my family, I am too sick to be taken care off at this point”
“Dayo, why are you truly doing this?”
“I said I am doing it for my family” I lied again. I could see her crying, her tears where drops of liquid gold and they made me want to cry too.
“You have to be honest because the lies you tell are like children you abandon who find you years later and seek to haunt you or destroy you.”
“I am doing this for me. I choose not to suffer anymore. Please understand that” I lied again.
“Why are you truly doing this Dayo?”
“To save my family. I am doing it because they want too but they cant, they think it but they cant. I feel them think it and I feel them hate themselves for thinking it. So I want to save them of their sin, save them from suffering”
“What you do for yourself dies with you but what you do for others lives beyond”
“Who said that, it sounds like someone else said it”
“The Good Samaritan”
“What is going to happen now”?
“All you want is to save them from the suffering of your sin but now I must save your from committing this sin because you suffer. I have judged your love and it is pure. Take my hand Dayo“
“Am I about to die?”
“No. You will be with me till the last day. On that day you will wake up again. Hold my hand and let it all go”
So I did. I held her hand and immediately we where flying so fast through a light beam of fire and I felt free. I felt like a galaxy, I felt like a million bursting stars. I looked down and I could still see clearly myself in the tub. The door broke down and I saw my family shatter in confusion and my mum get my body out of the water. I saw her clutch my bleeding wrist with her hands. I saw here put her ear on my chest and then I heard her say to my dad, “I can feel his heart beating. I think he is still alive”